Becoming more assertive
What is assertiveness?
Being assertive means that you stand up for yourself. You say what you think, feel, and want calmly and respectfully. You take care of yourself and think about the other person too. Assertiveness helps you to communicate well with others in a respectful way.
Assertiveness means asking for something and being open to compromise when interests clash. It’s not about getting your way at any cost or overpowering others. Assertiveness is different from selfishness or aggression. The key attitude is: 'I have the right to feel, think, and say what I want.'
Three types
There are three types of assertiveness: sub-assertiveness, aggressive assertiveness, and assertiveness:
- Sub-assertiveness is putting aside your interests to please others and avoid conflict. In sub-assertiveness, you do this by keeping your mouth shut, acting submissive, talking down to the other person, and giving in even though you know you want things to be different;
- Aggressive assertiveness is pushing aside the respect of others. You do this by imposing desires and needs on others: you go on the attack at inappropriate times, demanding, overwhelming, dominating the other person, rolling the other person flat;
- Assertiveness is daring to say what you think respectfully, feel and want and stand up for yourself in a way that delivers.
How to become more assertive
These tips may give you direction to be more assertive (and practice makes perfect!):
- Think positively. Many people prefer not to contradict others because they fear the consequences. What will the other person think? Try looking at things from the other side. Who says the other person will become mad, maybe they are happy that you say what is on your mind. You can only estimate the likelihood of disaster scenarios after experimenting with assertive behaviour;
- Stay calm. Being assertive is scary if you don't do it often. You probably feel your heart beating and your blood racing when you are about to stand up to someone. Try to relax in that moment, so the anxiety can drop. You can do this by first tensing your muscles and then relaxing them. This works because you cannot be tense and relaxed at the same time;
- Prepare. In many cases, you can prepare assertive behaviour, for instance when you find it difficult in certain situations, or if you know in advance that you will have to be assertive. You can practise an appropriate response at home. Then you know you have it in you;
- Observe. Are there people around you who are assertive? Take a look at how they behave, the way they move and the words they use. You will learn not only how to do it but, more importantly, that it can be done.
Research shows that behavioural training (i.e. practising assertive behaviour) is the most important ingredient of any assertiveness training programme. This is difficult to practice from paper. It can only be achieved properly in training or coaching.
